Dying Early...

Today, I gave Nikki the address of Analina's blog site. A diary I keep for my little girl, writing about moments that would have passed so quickly, she won't have a chance to know or remember about what has happened around her when she's so very young, unless I write about it, or .. well tell her about it one day (well it won't be the same actually if she asked me about it when she's 16 or 32 years old! I wouldn't remember that much detail anyway!). When he read about it, he said 'That's sad', and later on 'that's very sad' *gasp* Shocked in a sense, I never ever in my mind thought that writing about my little girl would be a sad thing, infact I was so darn happy I could find the time to write about it and erm, not to mention keep my family, relatives and friends updated about Analina. Grandpa and Grandma would be too happy to read about what's going with Analina. Anyway...not so shocked in a sense, well.. its Nikki. Obviously no single person on Earth would be too happy to hear something like that, after all the effort being a Mommy, despite all the sacrifice you make for your family, and still take time to write a blog for your daughter and at the same time, you know its not sad and you know you're doing with the right motivation for the right reasons. Infact, only this morning, I was telling myself, goshhh, I've been so happy lately.. suddenly just so happy about life when I start writing about it and knowing I am on track. But anyway, I remained calm (this is a chance for me to practice patience and remembering what Dalai Lama said in his book, these people are your teachers... our family and friends who love us dearly, are always nice to us, they never want to say things that would deliberately hurt us but those who do otherwise, they are rare.... and because they are rare, they are precious, and they provide the platform for you to practice being good - something along this line).. so I remained calm and steady. If it was me before, hehe.. maybe one tight slap on the face :P no just kidding, I refuse to create bad karma ;) So I explained my reasons without expecting him to accept them but that's all that matters, that I do things with the right motivation. And finally I mentioned, if I die tmr, at least my girl gets to read about her childhood times, something I never had. Infact when Analina was born and growing months I had so many questions for my Mom about me, such as "when I started saying this, when I started doing that.. etc", but my Mom couldn't remember much as she was working most of the time and I live with my auntie all week and my parents will pick me up on weekends. I guess those are memories I could never retrieve no matter how ... So, back to the conversation, after all that, he then suddenly start to tell me, 'Speaking about death, .. I've always had this premonition that you will die early... *gasp* 'yau moe kau chor ah' (cantonese), but then I remained calm and stayed positive, smiled to myself- phew! lucky I live as if tmr never comes ;) ..... So remembering to remain calm (again), I took his comments just by the facts. After all, yeah life is fragile.. it's true. Death can happen to me, it can happen to you, just about anyone. So I told him I will write about this and if I do die early, he can read about it, life is such - you'll never know! Anyway, at the end of the day, I feel proud that I am able to interact with those who may not always recognize good things that you've done, or say nice things (not about the death part - life is uncertain, death is certain-just a matter of time!).. so life goes on! We find comfort in those who love and care for us, and we find growth in those who otherwise love and care for themselves more :) Either way, we need both comfort and growth! So if you can, don't shy away from those who may not be so nice to you ... after all you need a balanced diet!

Driving in Guam

It rained and I sobbed in the end. Yeah, he had successfully push me to the edges. Beh-tahan lah.... I went for my road test this morning and I screwed up big time! The examiner raised his voice, putting alot of pressure, saying things I didn't quite understand (and I thought I understood English) and the whole cake recepi didn't turn out like a nice cake at all. He asked me what is the color of my eye, I said Black, he said no, its Brown and I said its Black Sir, but he insisted that its Brown! So now I have Brown eyes. I have been driving so long with no serious problems, and even on roads like in Malaysia, ever popular 'inconsiderate and impatient' drivers, but still I fail to do well in this test. It was horrible but I don't want to put too much details in here. Almost my last milestone, life has been kinda tough for me here getting all my 'plastic cards'! First there was the pregnancy but cannot see a doc, no insurance (walk-in cost me $300 bucks just for consultation), chicken pox and worry for Analina, SARS - cannot return to PJ, stuck in Guam, can't find good helper and baby sitter, passport issues, SSN issues, driver's license, travelling permits, greencard... goshh..... but really most importantly I could not drive because of all my pending paperwork! How long was it I had to depend fully on others whenever I leave the home? Almost 2 years! And its not like in PJ, I can still walk out take a taxi, go places, do things .... when I take a taxi, its super expensive (taxi meant for tourist only OK?) but sometimes I still do and my friends will look at me one kind, esp paying $20 bucks just for 5 minutes drive away. Later on I try to take a bike.... you know people laugh!?? Yes, they do, you don't take bikes to the mall or GPO, or KMart unless you are cycling for leisure ... but still it wasn't practical - there are many stray dogs around! So much for adapting, I even try walking (sometimes just for a few minutes fresh air), and of course I have to take Analina with me... but Guam's weather... *sigh*.. bright sunny day, shower comes on a couple of minutes and then dissapear... There's no way I can really get mobile! Come to think of it, I really wonder how I pulled through ... Anyway, .... finally.... OK look forward to the future they say, so did I get my driver's license anyway? Yeah surprisingly!!! Well, almost flunk though!

Repaying the Kindness

Maybe we will practice driving during lunch time instead. Sol is such a great pal, she's going all out to help me on this last minute driving lessons and I never even have to ask for it. Why? She said when she was getting hers, she had 2 friends who helped her so much, had been so supportive all the way and she asked them how she could repay them for their kindness and they replied, in future, whenever others need help in driving, just help them. I figured, that's really how life is... such as the love and kindess of our parents, so much they do that we never saw and those we saw, how can we pay all their kindness?... it's inifinte, unmeasurable and can we really afford it? Yes, we try our best, take them out, be there for them, give them money, support them in all ways but I reckon it's never going to be enough - imagine all those sleepless nights they had, all those worried they took on when we got sick, financial worries, all sorts....... but life is such that we are given the opportunity to do the same for our kids and if we don't have kids, people around us, we have that opportunity to repay our parents through our act of kindness for others....and just about being kind to anyone! That's the way it works.... really! :) I am still thinking... life is so precious and I've no regrets living as thought tmr never comes.. I said this to an elderly man many years ago and he said to me, Ohh, c'mon, we have to stay young at heart!!! But really, I can tell you after so many years living as though tmr never comes, I have no regrets...I feel I can cherish every new moment that comes into my life.. Hey, btw, having said that doesn't mean I have to go do the extremes OK? Fear factor is no-no for me, I'll pass that, its 'OOOHH-Kay' if I never tasted the spiders! :P

Late!

I am late at work today! Like 15 mins... it's kinda biggie since technically I should try to be at work by 8am but I reached at 8.45am. But Analina's daycare opens at 8am and for some reasons I didn't make enough time this morning; cooking her lunch, change (and not to mention wait for her to poo!), bath her, pack all her snack and food- 1 hr for all that and still not enough!? I have to wake up earlier tmr. Remind me! So much for today and I haven't revised my driving guide. Have an appointment for road test at 10am and I haven't had any lessons! Try to convert my current drivers license so they allow me to go for the road test anyway. Sol offered to take me one round (leave at 5pm, ohh gosh, I really have to compensate the hrs!) and finish at 6pm, then I can pickup my little girl by 6.30pm. Late pickup charges by minutes! Hmm, and I still have a package to collect fr the post office...

Just Do It, Anyway

I must share with you this short article which my gf, Sol had share with me. It goes like this, though I can't remember exactly all of the words in that article (sorry Sol, I had misplaced it!)... Mother Theresa said, 'Just do it, anyway'. Do good anyway... If we are kind, honest and frank, others may take advantage, but just do good anyway. In the end, you will see, it has always been between you and God, and never between you and them anyway.

So, to all my friends and loved ones, I hope you will keep this in mind. It really doesn't matter how others treat us, we need to make sure we do good unto others, and always with the right motivation behind all those good forces. That way, you know, you will never go wrong! I'll share with you more examples in life as time goes by.... of course at the same time, its a learning curve for me and to remind myself to Do Good Anyway.

Starting My Blog!

Well, this is the first time I am writing this blog. My buddy gf, Michelle had told me about it last night and I've been meaning to do this for a long time!

It's Feb 22, 2005 and next month will mark a new calendar year for myself. I've decided it will start from March 1 and I am definiately going to work on my 5-year plan :)

Ang Pao to Mom & Dad

Today, gave RM$188 ang pao each to Mom and Dad (do you think that's enough?), and another Rm$200 for all the kids in Taiping though not seeing them this time around! - Did I miss out anyone else? Oh-uh, one long list!!!!!!