Start Today

Yesterday's session was really good. So fulfilling and the air is so fresh now, more roses I can smell! I can truly see so many good hearts around, we just need to remove those uncessary barriers such as miscommunications, perception, misconception etc .. Further analyzing the family affairs, and as an extention to 'everyone shares a role in making things happen', I too realized that its utmost important that we as the spouse is responsible for creating opportunities for our other half to be bonded with our parents. If we didn't do that, and if we started off 'not that great', how else can our parents see the good hearts of our other half? Can we blame anyone else but ourselves? Yes we surely can, because if we sit there do nothing, except our parents to like our other half or expect our other half to like our parents, it's really not going to happen .. and in my case, of course, first of all I didn't even introduce KC to them in the proper way, take us all out for dinner, get-to-know, let them see the nicer part of him (err, I didn't even really do this myself ha!), and the next thing you know, oh Mom can you come over help us out with the screaming baby!?? Way too much overwhelming for everyone.. I can understand that now, and I still have time to make things right, just abit of patching up here and there ;) WG too can do the same .. but having said that, we can't go all the way and if MM and DD doesn't respond, you know of course we may get dissapointed a little and more as time goes by, so I think its all about 'all the parties working together' to make things happen .. a community issue!!! Oh well .... life goes on, and to not get all too fired up (still got other issues to take care), we'll just deal with it bit by bit, at least something positive to work on! But start now ..

Inner Thoughts

LS, I am really sorry I did not reveal this other side of me (my inner thoughts) when we talk and share things - instead I chose to reveal the remains of my thoughts here in this blog. First of all, I was very afraid to overwhelm the situation with so much of my different and strange thoughts (sometimes ugly thoughts) - as you can now see .. I know we now share something very precious, a "friendship" that was never really there before.. I really don't want to lose it just coz of my deeper analytical thoughts need to find its way out - simply, I think its not worth the consequences.. and secondly, I don't want to impose all those thoughts on you as a form of expectation for I know its not healthy for all of us to have too much expectations on others..

Sometimes I am sure of what is right, sometimes I am not, and therefore I blog about it, hoping in some ways or another I find some answers to shape better thinking. While trying to find some answers, I also try to look at the big picture and therefore try to analyse the situation so that I too can benefit from it .. as a reminder for myself when I am the Parent, when I am the SIL, when I am the parents-in-law someday, when I am a friend, when I am who knows what else..... I hope we can share these thoughts in a constructive way, and my intentions has never been to expect all these from you for I do know that it would not be fair and it would be destructive to us. But perhaps this is easier said that done, but I'll still focus on realizing this fact and not imposing expectations on others.. KC thought me alot about not expecting, not so much in a "no-no I dont expect anything-at-all-for-I dont care" attitude - I could never comprehend this for many years even with KT for so many years.., but now I learn, a more positive side of it, "not expect but I still love you", kinda attitude. I'd like to do the same for all who's family to me .. except, it would take alot of practice on my side esp to start from the scratch now but I know if its for the better, I will give it my best shot. Pls forgive me if you find me shallow or immature in some areas and given the chance, I would like to improve to be a better person at any point in time, you're always welcome to share with me your thoughts ...

Seek & You Shall Find

Recovery is speedy... Monster popped up for a while but couldn't find a place to hide. After the emotional fruit-salad from all family members - one after another, and esp. could not sleep last night - thinking how I can write my letter to WG hoping to list down some good advice on what he can do for MM & DD for 2006.., I finally found my answer in my prayers. Seek and you shall find - applies to all. We need to seek God for all there is, if we do not seek ourselves, there's really no chance for Him to show us the way... Hence, I should focus on seeking Him and build the relationship, improve my knowledge on the right path. Seemingly passive, that doesnt mean He does not love us .. but we need to seek, ask, move, do something.. And so, it is for DD, MM, WG, LS and everyone else, inc. me, to walk this direction for only then can He show us the way.. not us showing each other the way we think it should be.... this way, we all walk the challenges together, look for answers from the same direction, not at each other.....

Reset, Be Sensitive & Caring

So I informed DD and MM about the results. Unfortunately of course they will have to accept it. I observed 2 different reactions. Both reacted the same, i.e. have to accept it, but the motivation behind is quite different. One is without 'an eye for an eye' drive, one is with some sort of that. The one without I could clearly sense its outwardly dissapointment and sadness, and alot of motivation to recover, so to stay young and healthy, otherwise, for an old person, it would mean a heart breakdown and if not managed properly, surely will break down! For the other, I gathered and observe alot of justication for own actions, even to the part of his/her "wrong-doings" - justifying that even he/she would say no and does not care what others think. If they want to think otherwise, there's nothing he/she can do. Hence, he/she expects me to be that way too .. I should not expect anything and should just accept it the way he/she decides and it doesnt matter what I think.. Honestly, its easier to live life that way 'on the surface' and also its selfish and incosiderate because there's so much protection for his/her own self - afraid of getting hurt therefore applies such technique. Then I saw more .. observing the big picture.. their daughter to feel the same and they are treating their son the way their son have been treating them (which is now quite apparent to me since their son adopts the same thinking and treating the sister the same way!) and their son is treating them that way since they treat their parents the same way! I am soooooooooo tempted to treat them the same way too! Honestly, at this point, I want to take everything that I am giving now, for "why should I care", "I dont have to please you", "I don't have to change my plans for you" attitudes .. (that everyone is adopting?) - I could easily say, I cant afford, I dont really care what you think - if you want to think I dont love you coz I dont give you money its up to you - I am not giving anyway, .. but I cant do it - BS!!!! When all this is so clear to me now, its so disgusting! The chain reaction is so powerful, its coming to me! But I really have to break it on my part.. I can't change them but I am not going to be one of them. So what should I do ... reset, clean up the house inside me and be a sensitive and caring person.

Fight The Monster

Though I am trying to be very understanding to a point I can accept the facts positively, I must admit I am fighting the monster hard! That's because alot of logic and common sense exists in me that's building up my defenses to succumb to the unpleasant beast. Yeah, I know you're busy, and I try to communicate with you directly, though you did not reply to me directly but through someone else, I honor it too. However, even when I suggest alternatives, your 'appointed person' also rejects it on your behalf, claiming its words from you. I too honor that and to not miss out anything, for fear of assuming things, I would too check with you if you also feel the same. I do believe if two person want to make things work, they can, somehow, esp we're talking about an outing of less than 5 hrs including travelling. But when one is lack of will to make it happen, yeah then today is a busy day, tmr will also be, next week and next month too - there will always be 'later' or perhaps sometimes 'never'. Mean time, I really have to fight the monster inside me who would turn me into a beast if I dont win the battle! Already, much of my good emotions is not under control, I can sense it, and it affects the people around me - how innocent. The fire is flaming but I shall put it to rest! Till we meet, I pray that you will not be the cause of the growing monster in me/others and I shall not harbour such a place for this monster, and I pray that you will be more considerate and caring for others by action, effor and time, not silence. Targetted recovery time must be less than 12 hours :)

Priority & Robbing

If one is too busy for something (given over a period of time to 'make time for it') its either a case of 1) priorty i.e. one thing more important than the other, since we cant have it all, or 2) a robbery i.e. achieving things at the expense of others/sacrificing time that they should use for others. Priority issue comes when we are faced with scarcity (which we face everyday everwhere!) and therefore we give preference to do one thing and not the other, or the other late. Sometimes its inevitable but often than not, its the heart that matters most.. because truly if there's a will there's a way. For example, if you cannot do it today you have tomorrow, you have the day after ..If not this week, you have next week, or week after, if not this month, you have month after and year after so forth .. It's all about planning. And who says plans don't work!? Don't buy that story!!! As for robbery... yes, when one can do something with someone here and today, he or she could have done it with another there and then too, but choses not too for whatever million reasons .. so you rob the time that the other person deserves.. which of course results in 'what goes around comes around' one fine day .. The most important thing is to realize and give a deep thought to these things in life, and reset our priorities in life and not rob someone else's well deserved time.

More often that not, we also take things for granted without realizing it, esp. if we're so occupied with things closest to us. That's why its utmost important to cherish it when someone close (or not so close) expresses his or her dissatisfaction or concern about your current act, for only true family and friends would give you such negative comments. Others will just let you rot, cont to make mistakes and keep creating negative karma ..

Alternatively, you can pop a question to people who are close to you .. 'Hey, what do you think I can do to be a better person?' .. 'Share with me what you think of my weaknesses, I'd like to improve' .. I am sure you will agree with me, we often do not do this self-appraisal, can you imagine, our bosses have this for us every year!!!

True Love

If you are treating your parents well, show your loved ones how they can treat their parents well too .. share with them your good example and show them the way. Keeping quiet is not a good reason to not get involve. There's definitely no such thing as nagging about something good.. its called, giving a good advice :) Treat your inlaws the way you treat your parents, treat your son-inlaw and daughter-inlaw the way you treat your son(s)/daughter(s), treat your brotherinlaw the way you treat your brother, treat your sister in law the way you treat your sister.. .. for only this way wil there be peace in the place we call 'family', not just our little family where we define our own boundaries and select those who can be in our 'family'.. God never select you to be in His family, all are children of God ....you too should follow the good example and place Christ in your heart...

Balancing Act

Sharing good and bad news with family and friends is essential diet for our everyday life. Infact, it is something we must learn to do.. and not be too picky about whom we want to share it with.. just share with anyone, anytime, anyplace.. we all would learn somehting out of it. Just be caution not to over-do or even exaggerate about it. Not sharing at all is definitely no good - for whatever reason it is, to avoid confrontation, to avoid conflicts or disagreement, no reason is good enough. Moderation is the key to everything. Try to find that balance. Start sharing now but try to achieve that balance instead of going full force to the extreme. The toughest is for one to realize and admit to themselve that they are wrong.. try to make this a second-nature habit, admiting our own faults.. then it would be as easy as changing gears while you drive a stick. Don't drag on with the wrong gears!

Freelance Focus

My focus this year would be to do something home-based/freelance - by hook or by crook! Perhaps add on a part-time job during weekends or so, I think that's OK too depending. That way I can really have the opportunity to priortize family needs and work esp during those emergency times! Soon ANA will go to pre-school and hours would be different (still thinking if we should keep her at the daycare till no choice! i.e. 4y) .. there are of course pros and cons .. but I do admire parents who have the opportunity and flexibility to really put so much time for their kids.. mainly the wife not working but sending the kids to school, picking them up thereafter, sending them to some extra curricular & sports .. its really enriching.. I used to think shallowly about how one would stay home just baby sitting *yeah coz I assumed the baby never grow up to go to school ha!* .. and it seems to me more clearly now, that parenting at home is indeed a very important element in the child's youthful years! But of course, diff environment, diff opportunities. I remember when I was young both my parents worked all day and I still go to school and return to home, go back for extra curriculum at school - that's because we have Granny at home! Also, its walking distance to school, and its sort of safe.. Nobody walks here, you get run down! Also, its not always that safe, and after all, we're talking about toddlers! So, you know different ball game? But yeah, still home-based/freelance - something just enough to take care of 1) Parents financial needs 2) Family travel needs 3) Family retirement home. Thumbs up!

Real Life, Family Life

Couldn't be happier! I could smell the roses! Starting off this week jobless, hehe and we're all more or less down with some sort; cold, cough, bad throat, fever.. and even waking up several times in the wee hours because ANA didn't feel well and crying. But I could handle all these so well without worrying about taking the time off from work and we could stay home as many days as ANA would need to recover. Though I am not feeling well myself but I could do so much more for ANA & KC .. This is exactly what I wanted to achieve and I really should stick to it.. family should be priority. Most people work anyway and probably don't end up feeling so torn as I do but in my environment, the other side somehow makes you feel pressured to go back and you somehow know that every hour you take off affects your performance at the end of the day .. for sure the phone calls will come too! It's like you're not a very important person at the office after all, position and job description, and pay! yet when you're taking time off, you're like the President or Prime Minister. But even so, I wonder, do they still get time off during their family vacation or sick day? Anyways, and so my life has been such until yesterday :) Gota move on with more goodies!

No Point Forcing, Poor Excuse

'No point forcing' attitude is not very effective in the long run. There's of course 'a point' when you dont put anymore force for what's the use if the other person is not willing right? I think that's fair enough however, if you strech your minds and evaluate the effectiveness of parenting and community affairs etc.. we really need to exert some sort of 'force' in order to instill the basic good values and beliefs that one should have. So, perhaps the word 'force' is not appropriate.. as a matter of fact, it is 'guidance' .. 'consistent guidance' and 'consistent guidance at early age' .. up to a point when he or she is able to function independantly without much 'force' i.e. guidance.. the same stuffs, only diff people see it diff-ly putting diff names to it. What would this entail? Action .. means effort, means hardwork .. which alot of people would avoid.

As parents: Firstly, if you want your child to have good manners, to have good values - to be able to respect elderly, respect their parents (you in this case!) and take care of their parents (you in this case!) or any other issues of love, care and compassion - whatever you want to call it, you really have to show alot of it, make known of the examples so that they can visualize it and practice it. After all how much do they teach these sort of things at school? When its too late (when they are already married, have kids etc), you may not realize that you have in part of in whole part contributed to their 'attitute' .. whether its the end result of a filial boy or girl, you really have alot to do with it. Since other surrounding environment would shape the young minds, esp during their teenage years and esp even after they get married - spouse, work friends etc therefore, consistent guidance need to drag on longer than you think! If you stop early, you wont be able to see your seeds yield a good tree .. as a result, you may suffer the negative consequences. So, the first thing you should realize is that you play a part in this negative outcome and don't let it eat you up, esp, if you're already older, feeling all too dissappointed with life, heart-broken that your kids are not treating you the way you should after all you have done .. Once you realize that you too are responsible for this, then you have the opportunity to be more forgiving. That means turning this realization into a positive act. When you can do this, you are already in control of your life .. not breaking down crying silently saves you alot of heartache. Is it then too late to cont sew the seed you planted? Maybe the tree has already died .. you can't plant another seed, you're too old for it now, you're even retired and still no money for your old days. Well ... make do with whatever we have for now, and pray for your kids, pray for yourself and fight the monster inside you, don't feed the monster and turn yourself into a sobby beast. Start showing good examples of good things to do, express your examples by words and actions - consistently. This is of course the toughest part... but I feel, we only gain, never lose.

As sons or daughters: If you did not have the liberty of an up-bringing full of compassion and kind acts that your parents could have shown, express to you and instill (failed) in you .. you have to quickly realize this and not let your 'free-thinking' self take you to the dark side. Grab on to some 'guidance', whether its faith in God, good friends, good relatives, good spouse .. identify good people around you and stick around with them. See how they treat their parents, their family, relatives and friends .. Follow their good examples. This way, though its more hard work for you, and esp. to start late .. (even if you're married) would definitely change you for the better. Be consistent with the guidance you have found and practice it for years, till the end of time. That way, as time goes by, you will automatically be transformed into a good person, a filial son or daughter and more to come .... If you spend most of your time with people who are more self-centered, you too will become one quickly in a matter of time, that's why its important you shape your surroundings in such a manner that it gives you a positive platform to cultivate good values .... The best thing that could happen to a person is to have to spend the rest of his or her life with a person who inspires others to be a better person. If you find yourself transforming for the better, give credit to your other half for he or she inspired your transformation.. If you find yourself becoming worst and worst off (and its probably hard to realize this once you are already in the darkside - but you can see from signs around you, isolation from family and loved ones etc) then you should know you're spending too much time with negative sources .. which does affect your positive transformation. Show yourself the way for if you don't you may not have anyone else to show you the way ...

As parents-in-laws: Show good examples to the younger generation how they should treat their parents. If you see something not quite right, point it out to them for they may not have had the opportunity to grow with widsom. He or she may not be your natural born son or daughter but is now part of your family, show them the way when opportunity presents themselves. You may not realize it and its easy to be ignorant and self-centered, but open up your eyes and you shall see there's so much you can do for others for the better. As long as your intentions are good, you can always find an effective way to communicate to the younger generation without striking a fight. Keep silence is the worst thing one could do, esp if we are the more elderly ones, and we let our inlaws cont to make mistakes simply because they are not our natural born kids.

As a spouse: We may be struggling together with our other half if esp. we are of about the same age, still learning things and not much ahead from the other. We may be even struggling ourselves with our own faith in God, alot of things in our 'to-do' list .. Having to juggle with so many things 'to-do' in life, try to find a balance so that we also consider the well being of our other half. We don't have to force anything upon the other, but share with them the 'guidance' that you already have, share with them the 'goodness' that you can identify in you, and guide them to the way where they can be a better person, not let them walk into the path of darkess. You may think its OK, after all it's not your life, though you're married .. you may feel as long as you have some money in the bank then you're secured .. but if you're aware the other half is not doing things quite right, its wise to show them the way .. and you don't even have to force, you could gently point it out to them. Esp. challenging is, if showing them the way would result in you losing the benefits and priorities you are currently experiencing .. as a human being, you would automatically avoid doing the right thing .. Pray for yourself, that you shall be less self-centered, less self-focus, and more people-oriented. Do not hold on to so much treasures for these treasures are accumulated at the expense of your spouse. You may be better off but he/she will be worst off in the long-run, this means we only focus on our own well-being.

Ensure that your spouse stays connected to his family (parents, siblings, relatives), and friends. This means TIME & MONEY. Though you know that if he spends time with them means less time with you, share him with his family, who has brought him up, gave him the life he has now, gave him the education for him to make money for your family now. Be with him when he is with his family (and enjoy the moments with his family) for he will be proud that you stand by him and willing to get to know his family. If you don't show him the way, no one else can for your are the next person closest to him. Though you know that if he gives some money to them means less for you, let him share his money with his family too for many good reasons that we do not need to even justify upon ..

A Global Event

As I grow older now (and wiser hehe) these days, I realized that when something is not right, or when one is not doing things right etc ... you really cannot make just one person be accountable for it.. I want to remind myself to strech my analysis and soon I will know that, it is actually the community and sequence of events that would have caused the unfavourable results. Of course, that particular individual will have to bear the consequences he or she has triggered, nevertheless, it is also the surrounding (e.g. parents belief, up-brininging, friends.. self thoughts, lack of faith in God, lack of knowledge, lack of dedication to learn the right things in life) etc that would have caused the negative attitude.. So, what can we do? We certainly cannot change the world overnight.. neither can we change a person overnight .. we have to understand that, big dreams are not achieved by one person, not overnight .. its a global events.. With that in mind, we will realize we cannot blame and point fingers at one person for negative things that happen (or positive things that did not happen!) .. Once we realize that, we are also taking our first step to fighting the monster inside us, and we start to forgive the other. But the next thing we can do to make things better is to pray for these people (and including ourselves for whatever flaws we may have) and hope for the better for every living soul on Earth.