Almost 30 years have passed and I am only starting to write the story of my life. Better late than never! Married to my dearest hubby and currently living under one roof with our little cutie pie, Analina. She's such a girl and my best-friend! I dedicate this website to those I have met along the way, whether for a short moment or to those who's been with me through thick and thin, thunder, rain, and sunshine at one point or another.. with lots of love..esp Mom & Dad ~ Feb 2005
Its Sunday again and Sunday being the 1st day of the week is definitely a good thing! I woke up early automatically and don't feel lazy at all - yay! It's good to start the week with our little family in the house - no rush rush for school and work!
As my quest and commitment to try and be a good help-meet, I challenged myself to work towards that direction. Submit and be agreeable to the head of household. Today I shared news with HB which I normally wouldn't share because of promises (but anyway, its good news, nothing bad or does not reflect negatively on that person), but because for him to trust me, I need to be open with all things. I am proud to be able to do so and not hide things from him, although in violation of other promises .. I pray for forgiveness from others whom I've not kept my promise because I need to try my best to be very honest with HB. I am learning now that, God didn't put us in a marriage to be Happy.. but to be Holy and I am so very thankful too to JLT esp for sharing with me knowledge about how to be a kinda wife God intended us to be - and her presence in my life is such a delightly sweet happiness. Together with a few others - JUL and ANN, I am also thankful, they are there to listen to my stories and that I have the opportunity to become a better person.
JLT called in the afternnon and asked if we wanna have a board game night since also ABR is off island .. before going on with our wills, as planned, I need to check with HB. As expected too, I know my wishes will not be his wishes but I have to do it his way so he is pleased. With that focus, I willingly said its OK I will go with ANA and he can have the night for himself - which I know is something he always wanted alot. He used to suggest like, I can have a day off myself without ANA and so he can have a day off without ANA too.. though I would never complain if he did that, but I was never over supportive.. its like, man - haven't you already had all week withtou ANA since I am the one taking care of her night and day, and evenings and mornings? And now to say, in order for me to get the day off, I have to trade it with another day of baby sitting for you, outrageous!! But, since now I've decided to focus on a new direction, to be a good help-meet to HB .. I put aside all that. Whether or not I get my day off doesnt matter, let's look into giving him his day-off. Sure enough, he is so very pleased to get to to to Hilton and have dinner himself and have the late evening all to himself. I spent time with JLT with little ANA.
Bad night for me. I reached a point where I realized I have no control over alot of things and I could still accept the fact about not getting my fav things in life, but my one heart desire, to be able to continuously support MM and DD with their basic financial needs .. I realized to day I cannot do it because I cannot win over HB. Tears flow down my face right away and my little precious one said to me, 'Dont' worry Mommy, I will take care of you' .. although she didn't know the details, but for me to know how much she cared about standing by my side, made me so very happy. I still sobbed all night and challenged myself to stay positive .. but it didn't really work. I finally decided to call DD and tell him how sorry I am .. tell him my heart desires and I know he would understand. I only feel so torned inside because this is the last last last thing I ever wanted to say to them. Perhaps this is the way God work in me, perhaps there is something good out of it and I need to put trust in this. To do it His way .. and not to rebel against His wishes.. and right here on Earth, not to rebel against HB's wishes. The next morning .. I woke up with renewed directions.. always refering back to being a help-meet and decided to put aside all my own wishes and heart desires .. and find ways to reassure HB that we'll just do it the way he wanted it - without provoking his defensiveness. He is pleased and life goes on a happy journey, at least for him. As for me, I am sure I will find it as I can already smell it.
30 years of my life.. I sort of only knew, one has get a good job with reasonably high pay to earn a good living, esp. in growing cities and high-standard of living places. From there, you never really think about just living poorly and it never came across my mind that I could just get an average paying job to earn my living because I have to repay my parents, and make some money to survive my little family. It's like your future depends on you - either you make it or break it - work hard and earn hard to work less and earn less. It's almost 30 years I've lived thinking that way, knowing the consequences.. .. not intentionally... just the way how information gets into my head. Now I feel so renewed and sometimes perplexed how long I've been so blind.. that I've learned you dont always have to count on yourself 101% .. you need to place trust in God and walk His plan for you - as He will provide... this simple fact is keeping me alive now in a very new and refreshing way that I could never have felt before. I praise the Lord for all the love and care He has for me and all who is willing to trust.
We talked abit about learning to be a help-meet couple many days ago and decided to have our first official work session together with JLT and ANN - just among close friends where we can talk and share and learn and apply the concepts of being a good help-meet to our other half. Though I don't know the details of it and I am not in any serious marriage crisis but I know it's surely a good thing, and I am positive that there would be many areas I can improve within my one-selfish self .. and I have this funny sweet feeling that it's going to me a better and better person - most importantly, a happy and contented one, living a fulfilling life. I guess, I do know, what I am now, who I am now - there's still this gap which needs to be filled up with loads of good things - and I am sure this is one of it - or the ultimate answer perhaps! I am ready for the challenge - no matter how hard it may be to 'swallow'! :P
It's Columbus Day and taking half day off - didn't plan it that way but just go with the flow :) Have a demo session this afternoon and feeling very confident about conducting classes so am really happy some parts of the business is under control .. will continue to work on other areas - all the to-do list! Feel so very blessed to have given this opportunity .. moving towards financial freedom ... although still no clear solution yet as to payments for MM and DD's home loan and expenses!
I can be drinking Milo all my life! Never used to think I love Milo sooooo much but now know it! One cup of real hot Milo makes me really happy esp when its cold and one cup of ice-Milo makes me really happy anyways esp when its a hot day!
It's Monday, and although hard to get up, but I am feeling good. Very thankful for the home office that we have right now and I could still fold some clothes while taking a break from the PC. Trying to take it easy a little and spending the day for the month's planning. Loving it and I thank God for it!
