Love Everyone

Honestly, if possible I want to love everyone and love with action too..means truly mean it. It's very easy to see why one should work towards this .. I mean, how many days do we have on Earth..? Really not that many, esp even for some people. And life is already challenging - mother nature, inner enemies, financials, all kinds of treats ... we might get busy with our everyday life, but if I know what I do may make the other person feel small or low, or unimportant or will hurt their feelings, I won't want to do it. Even if I can sense it a little, I try to patch things up .. coz after all I may not know all the answers but I believe if I keep the communications open, perhaps I have a chance to rectify the situation. So, I hope you will feel the same too ... whatever you do or feel, check with people around you (whether family or acquaintances) if they are happy .. or if you ever made them feel bad or you ever been ignorant, or inconsiderate. Thinking about those who were ignorant, inconsiderate and all that ... I concluded that, they don't realize what they are doing .. that had a negative impact on others .. just as they would have positively impact others .... so I shall forgive them.

Last Day @ HK

Today went to pick up ANA, her last day there. From the time I gave notice to the DIR perhaps about 3 weeks ago, nobody said anything, including yes the DIR and GM. It's just so strange but I just let it be. Until today, when I walked in, I saw the GM and she didn't even greet me but I went ahead to greet her. You just know it that something unpleasant is going behind the scene because as a normal parent who withdraws from a center, any DIR would ask, talk or casually touch base with the parent. Even if you don't want to ask about why you're leaving (though everyone would ask since they are your customers) but any natural person would ask about where your child is going - perhaps to school? Which obviously she isn't going to school since school already started. The situation here is, everyone made sure they wouldn't ask. So looks like they already had some thoughts in mind, which obviously I never got a chance to tell anyone there since they never gave me a chance to talk about why we're withdrawing. It seemed as though I as a parent did something SO SO SO wrong to the center that the DIR/GM don't even want to talk to me about our enrollment there. Obviously, I sincerely don't think I could have been in the position to do any wrong. As a matter of fact, the center owes us many apologies (issues about injuries and they way they handle the overall conflict with injuries etc.) which I have gracefully forgiven without apology. I must say, the teachers most of them had been very polite, kind and considerate - even apologetic.. and I am grateful for the kindness of hearts they have... but the center, never acknowledge the shortfalls and never apologize nor admit any mistakes .. infact very defensive. And very obviously, this whole 'ignoring' our concerns and now, our withdrawal from the center, surely didn't make me feel special as a customer. Infact, it made me feel very unimportant they way we are being treated - something along the line as, you come and go, we can't see you, you're invisible. Even today, none of her stuffs are prepared for us to take back, it's as if, it wasn't ANA's last day. Esp. now I see much more of how other DIR or OWN deal with their parents customers, I feel very dissapointed as to how we are treated as customers here - and this is a premium center. But of course, at the end of the day, I cannot do anything about it (well I can try this and that, but I'll just stick by GOD) and I told myself to put aside my negative feelings but focus on the being appreciative. When I think about the teachers, I know many of them (caregivers) were all very nice people who truly cared for litte ANA .. and I bought them strawberries and grapes as a way to say good-bye and thank you.

Gaining Strengh

Time to really put some action and come to think of its perhaps its been like 3 to 4 years since I last made any of those herbal soup for myself ... gosh, I've totally neglected myself way all too much. Emotionally, physically .. mentally... and recently putting things back together, I started looking a little closer to myself but I never thought of the physcial health until now - with a docs report --- thanks for reminding me. I am grateful He cares and knocking some senses in me .. why haven't I taken care of my own body. Anyways, I've started making some soup for myself with all the help of my dear friends here who so kindly think about me .. SPH made soup yest, and today I used the red dates KN gave me to make my chicken soup. Its so clear to me now I really must put my hands together to do something for myself -- but I know, I've always been expecting my other half to do this kinda TLC thing for me.. and became so stubborn that if he doesnt do it, I wont do it coz I've been soooo used to others doing it for me. So, pushing that aside, I also started asking MICH to shop for me all the materials so she can ship to me using a flat rate box. Thanks MICH - my life saver! I thought of MM too but I know shipping is sooo expensive and she would be tight with money because it's gonna look like costing her a bomb.. so will avoid that. Will have to cont through this active plan and hope to gain more strengh and momentum soon!

Easily Discouraged

Hate to admit this but at this point, I'd still consider myself easily discouraged. Maybe its good I start picking out my weaknesses and work on it one by one ..... I do admire how some people don't get affected so easily, and just keep going on and on, reaching their goals. Even direct selling marketers, we don't always want to buy things from them, but I always admire their strenghs ... motivation and the positive spirit of keep-going.. PRLY said at least I am brave enough to admit it :) Thanks for the encouragement!

Motherly Love

SPH called and we talked for quite some time. I feel so lucky to have SPH talk about my challenges and her offering to help me in whatever way she could. She said when she's got the time she would make soup for me and JL ... it's been such a long time someone made soup for me :( She is so sincere, kind and caring with all the good intentions. I am very thankful for all that I am receiving and same time I offer to learn how to make the soup too so I can make for them .. I just realized I have neglected myself so much due to the so many reasons that I have in hands.. I remember trying to cont making soup when I get here but first it was that KC doesn't drink much of it, and we end up with a big pot and then I would have to cook different kinds of dishes for KC and even ANA (as requested by KC!) and then I have to cut down on my own list. After that, it was a series of no-more buying-bringing back from home since the last time was CNY and I spent all on air-fare and all associated travelling cost. It's just amazing how I would have forgotten about taking care of myself!

On the other hand, although this should not be the way I should think, but somehow I can't help but to think why MM doesn't really ask about me etc and I noticed ever since I moved here and decided to have my little own family, I feel I am so very much by myself. It's like ---- the traditional way of thinking, you are a girl and off you go! I also know she wouldn't spend any extra money on buying me herbs and such unless I requested it but I would reimburse her back anyway, and I told myself, she must have had a valid reason and truly I know she's saving every penny for survival and rainy days. I know if I asked her, she would be taken by surprise and felt it wasn't her obligation to take care of me in that sense, or she didn't have to in that sense.. or if she wanted to, she would have la la la .... Don't feel too good about it though but not sure if I should revisit this area .. and considering I am stressing myself all out esp. at hard times like this, and big part of it is to remit to MM and DD ... I wonder if I am living life the right way.

Anna Jewel

My dear little sis, JL came over to hang out almost all day! Am really so happy eventhough I had to make her do some work for me :) I didn't have to take my own car and by the time I finish with everyone and dinner, it's only 9pm I still get to follow-up on my to-do list. This is sooo rare and I am appreciative! Hope to be able to bond more in the future and definitely want to walk in faith together. I am very thankful to have such a great blessing and the little things you do -- JL you are such a treasure! I hope we will never fight but it would be interesting to experience a good sister pillow fight ha! Anyway, back to more serious thoughts .. for a moment I realized, I have been so lost in terms of having any family members here with me and now I realized, not all is really all that much of a lost because treasures are there, if we believe in Him.

Children Are Treasures

I learned so much today - even just a short session, but the whole process, from the slides to today's sermon .. I just want to make sure I learn to be a better person, and more specifically, a better parent to my little precious treasure. Definitely want to lead her to the right way and work on being a loving person - no scolding is a must! Since Dale Carnegie's read up, I am all for it but I have not been exactly always very successful.. but recently I renew my commitment and gave myself a deadline - before ANA turns 3, I oughta make sure I always be gently with my words. Since she was born, I did decide to be so, but when she turned 1, expectation of me to take up the role of diciplinarian totally invited the big little monster inside me to take full control. Since then, I felt I was always putting up a show when it comes to diciplining since KC expects me to. I know I am never comfortable with it, but just went on and on doing it .. at one time I thought this isn't right and thought KC was a bad influence since he made me do it. But I also remembered what Mother Theresa said .... at the end of the day, it's between you and Him, you can't say, ohhh my so and so made me do this and that, so I am not accountable for it ..... then I thought to myself, now I am stuck! But everyday must come, so I went on with that role, the one who raises her voice and get mad when I have to.. then it became.. get made even when I didn't have to! I realized its all so wrong but I kept doing it because I am expected to. Only recently I found the courage to say, I am not going to do this anymore. I want to revert to my original intention, to be that loving, gentle person to my little princess. When I am soft-spoken, I am said to be weak or i.e. not strict enough la la la .. but now I don't want to care what others think, just want to do what's right and I found my answers ...

Honorship

Rushing out to finalize all the slides for tmr's slideshow finale towards the end - our feature song is Children Are A Treasure Of The Lord - by Steve Green ... and as I was working through it, I felt so lucky and blessed to have the opportunity to do this in spite of very tight schedule and rushing off many things out .... but I still have it done, keeping in mind, this is what I should do and I will be able to do it. Since recently, I try to remind myself, to always substitute the word hardship with honorship (inc. things like financial commitment to MM and DD - though I must admit sometimes I do wish if I could just take a break from it!) Even recently .. though I wasn't dwelling on what could have been the blood test results, but I did think for a moment, if I had a serious illness or something, perhaps for the better they might then pity me and not expect me to struggle for it, then I am off the hook, yay!!! --but I know, silly me, these are not good thoughts! Why would MM and DD want me to have any sickness anyways but you know how minds can wander, just for a moment to feel good about not carrying such financial burden and I can at least truly start to save some money for our little family.. not save and drain, save and drain always back to square zero or debt ........... so anyways, back to reality .. I'd do it with a smile, no matter how tough it may seem on the overall :) Back to the slides ... Thanks AY for this opportunity! It allows me to rethink my priorities and I am gonna have to work on it ..

More Good Friends

After a nice evening last night, we got up on time this morning and got ready for a swim --- after almost a year we last took ANA to the pool! All excited and was looking forward to have JNC and MRL, and KTY with her 3 boys join us at Nikko! Had alot of fun and we all like chatting with each other - and not to mention eating! JNC and KTY are real nice people, and very good friends of mine ----- and the same, I hope to do more for them in the near future and spend more time together!

Peace At Heart

Woke up this morning, feeling so much at peace ........ must have been because of all my good friends last night - and last week or so, been waking up feeling kinda like heart pumping (except strangely - in a very controlled manner unlike before so I thought it wasn't that bad, but still bad!) .... I had in my mind .. thinking, it doesn't matter if my family don't pray for me ... I found that my friends (and now my dear little sis!) pray for me and I am truly very blessed to have them in my life ...

Family Friends

Yet another very meaningful night with close friends, feeling so welcomed, so cherished and sweet happiness from all sides. We gathered at KN's house with JLT's family, JL's family (esp. this, my little sister!!!), and ANN's family .... they are all my mentors and I am so appreciative of having them. Hope to be able to spend more time with them and do more for them in the future. STP somehow talked to me about stress and life, and I am so lucky to have her around - to give me advise, and I chain-reaction started taking place I could not hold on my tears when sharing about my current stress level with all the financial concerns boiling up my next - esp. so this month, I still have not sent any money to MM and DD and home loan is due in a couple of days time. Whatever it is .. just to know I have real friends means so much more than any troubles hovering around me .... I am deeply touched by the sincerity of all my good friends here and I really do hope to do more for them and pray for their happiness always.

My Angel-Lina, My Teacher

Expected such an extra overwhelming day esp when I have to cramp in one of my classes right before ANA's snack party. The rest is --- history of course, with all the details, running up and down, getting things ready for just that little snack party... but I do it anyway, for my little princess ... who is soooo precious to me .. yeah my little angel-lina.

My Teacher Angel, One Who Has Thought Me So Much More Than Anything Else I Have Experienced In My Entire Lifetime ... My Shining Star and How So Very Blessed I Am To Let Me Grow To Be A Better Person, Thank You My Little Princess. My Little Angel - So Bright, The Rainbow Of My Life --- My Teacher Who Has Thought Me What Unconditional Love Means Deep

Deep down inside, I wished everyday she would grow up fast to know how much she had been a blessing to me, to be the person that allows me to grow, to have thought me so many things from the day she's born ....We had a short cake-snack with all her friends at school and went straight to docs office, take my second blood test, then head off home to get ready, off to another family gathering with our close friends who so very kindly invited us over to also celebrate my little angel!

Shrinking Monster

It's been 2 days now since the plan to starve the monster -- so far so good! The key was to pass on the diciplinary role to my other half - it's about time! I thought that might work and come to verify, that may be the source of it all since!

Talk About Hate

Today, my little ANA came home telling me that her friend told her, 'I hate you' .. we definitely never use that word at home, but these kids are definitely picking it up from somewhere! Anyways, do I hate anyone? Certainly not .. I don't think I ever come close to that. Even with people who mistreat or talk bad/negative or mis-perceive me .. I am never close to that .. but so far... many had been good to me, infact .. many acquaintances had been extremely kind to me too, I feel .. there are many nice people around who aren't calculative and always willing to share/discuss and spend the time unconditionally with you .. I would hope to be able to return their favors and even not, I would do the same to some other people I come across now and future.

Special Friends

It's been a busy weekend .. I definitely didn't get to do much for work follow-up, though I tried but in my mind, my priority was family and friends. So I made sure Sat -- to finish up ANA's birthday print materials - that means her invitation cards for daycare and her 1 year collage. This evening, I was over at JLT's house to help out cutting fabrics and it was such a fun time, spending time with JL, STP, JLT and ANN - I totally love the time together. Feels soo ... back home.. its just pure nice. Invited JLT and PNY over for dinner because AMB is off-island and since KC's been very supportive, eventhough I had to dissapear with the car and I asked him to cook the chicken! -- we have JLT and PNY over - everything was good! We talked and updated each other on alot of things and the sambal with white chicken was pretty good too! Sweet pea and mushroom with chinese sausage and fatt choy - not bad too - using the chicken broth soup from the chicken we made. We all had ice-cream with sugar cones and what a wonderful time!

Consolidate Debts

One of those financial crisis situation. Must be the dog interfering with the dragon this year - boo hoo! This weekend we advertised to sell our place and we showed a few people our place this morning. It was a good day although the last few weeks I've been seriously facing serious financial shake-out! But KC and I managed to talk about it and I am really happy about it that we can deal with this together - you know how sensitive these issues are! So, whether we're into the dumps or not, doesn't really matter - as long as we both work on this together, towards positive cash flow - and if that means selling our place, we just have to go by it. What's installed in the future for us .. do we have a place to stay or can we afford to buy another .. I really don't know but its OK - most important, let's try to consolidate all existing debts. There's really alot to worry but it's never enough ... so I am happy at the end of the day, I don't leave all the burden to him and expect him to resolve it himself .. tougher and harder to deal with but alot of peace inside that we are doing this as a family because I have seen many people saving for themselves and pass on all the financial responsibilities (if ever possible) to the other half .... and bit by bit, all burden and debts accumulate by the other half ... that sounds like one saving at the expense of another! So, I try not to be like that .. and hope to be able to maintain that attitude .. though it would be nice if I don't have to worry about financials? Oh well ........ life goes on eh! Happy that we are all pretty healthy (erm... still need to f/up that blood check thing, hmmm) and have food, got shelter .. hmmm nice home -- oops gonna sell ... oh but I am sure there's a bunch!

Monster Me - Clean Up Time!

Feel like I am turning into a monster lately... so I have to really do something about it. It's a whole bunch of workload - seems like a big big responsibility on my side. I spent some time thinking about it and finally came to terms with myself: that I am shouldering this really huge responsibility to get income in with lighting bills to pay - huge bills! Firstly, the biz loan which auto debits very promptly, then the many other office bills.. then our home bills which, and one very important bill, our parents bill which we dont have it covered this month! Deep inside, I wanna always try and organize a party for my little ANA this special August, but I really don't think we're up to it ... we totally don't have any. Infact, I am thinking to skip it altogether but she's hopeful because all her friends have snack party (at least) with ballons and cakes. So I've decided to do one without lunch, and spend quite abit on the party favors among other things. We also want to get her bday gifts, so we decided to sign up Nikko for her to swim at the toddler/baby pool with slides - she would be thrilled! --- As much as keeping to the minimum, it seems like I am building alot of fear and finally, I told KC --- I am sorry if I can't make this work, and that I will drag everyone down the drain. Having said that, I'll still try my best but I guess most important, we are into this together. I think I am also coping up with all the routines, with 1 car, picking up many places, and my GC-renewal is due soon - loads of docs to prepare... also wanting parents to be here but don't have the money to buy them tickets .. SIL doesn't seem the same anymore though she said its OK - feel like I am losing a friend and I have to cope with that too since I can't force relationships as it takes 2 to clap.. and learning to let go is something I have to buck up on which stresses me out esp since I value the relationship alot and been actively working on it. Perhaps its one of those times, all comes together, and you just wanna run but you can't hide .. well, I guess I would have a million reasons and excuses to come up with just so to blame for this dilemma ha ... so let's get real and do a self-check, rectify and improve!

So anyways, irregardless, I still have to train myself and shoo away that little hedious monster inside! Perhaps a timeline would make it work ... so I'll give myself a speedy one week - though this seems very ambitious but I treasure my little princess who is soo precious to me so I'll do it .., to clean myself up before ANA turns 3, good idea? I think so!

Maybe Its Been Stressful

Hate to admit it but mayb it had been stressful internally -- that's why the low count, huh!?? Well, I really don't know, it could be it may not be, it could be anything! So, doc advised to do another test in 2 weeks time - but surely, we gota try de-stress a little, take it easy eh?! Today seemed like a happy day, we found a very nice rest. which serves very nice ginger crab at reasonable price - and fresh too!