Birthday CDs

Phew, finishing up about 30 odd CDs for Analina's friends.. inc. her Sensei.. just waiting for Sensei Joy to confirm the contents if OK .. This time with labels and CD cover. Later going to make some for family and relatives too, what a job!

Vacation Week

1 week off! Okay, no such thing as 'shake leg', I have alot lined up for the week! Anyways, waking up as usual and early today, really feels good and not yearning for late morning or extra sleep. Don't really know why but its been a while, since got married, it's been a total transformation in a sense - good things come together? Last night I was teasing a little, we both we sleeping late and very tired after long weekend packing the house for garage sale and painting. Before going to bed I told KC, I am going to read a little first, after all vacation starts tomorrow, I don't have to wake up early! He said "who said so!", and I told him, "well, all year round I gota wake up early, bath Analina, cook her lunch, prepare her breakfast, do everything .. I suppose its only logical during my 5 day vacation I get a break from that!?" - he went on saying "who sets the rule!!?" Obviously he is the one but that's not the rule huh!? Anyways, I am glad inside me, I wasn't heading for that direction. Despite the fact that most people would think - (even me before), if he loves me, he won't do that to me!, If he loves me, he will be more sensitive towards my welfare, more caring etc... I guess, its been a while I took a different perspective in life .. and focus more towards myself, and just wanting to be a better and better person. I don't know exactly which article but Dalai Lama's thoughts have left quite a strong mark in me, wherein, all focus to achieving happiness from within. Before, I never knew how.. Now, not that I have successfully achieved that with consistency, but I do see the method! That alone, open up a whole new world! Anyway, few years back I came across this article (Buddhist Women at the Time of the Buddha) about Queen Mallika having the 5 qualities of a perfect wife, and that is? always rising before him, and going to bed after him, by always obeying his commands, always being polite, and using only kind words.. Okay, too ancient? Though Queen Mallika existed during Buddha's time, but to have the opportunity to know, these are the good qualities is simply enligtening! But I was thinking then 'wah, how to maintain youthness with lack of sleep??!' :P But I tried it anyway .. my comment is, I don't know what to say but all I know is, I don't feel any bit of suffering but more joy and happiness. Not so consistent though, so I must keep reminding myself and train my mind to maintain better qualities!

The Opportunity

Yeah its becoming clearer and clearer to me now. I really don't have to worry or think too much about how WG wants to treat Mom and Dad or worry about the suffering in silence Mom and Dad are going through now - wishful to more love and care from WG. It's really their own karma (parents) in this area .. As for WG, it only means 1 less opportunity to create good karma, and 1 more opportunity to create negative karma. There are of course many more other opportunities for him to create good karma, such as I do see he is a very loving, caring and responsible hubby and father, that is of no doubt. Furthermore, he's the breadwinner of the family, taking on alot of financial commitment for the family. All those doings are good acts with good motivations. On the other hand, if one is ignorant or take things for granted, I do not know what is installed for him or her but I do know, it's not something that would make us happy. Or perhaps, its not about consequences but more like not having the opportunity to create a better life for us in the future - hence, we may be reborned with some misfortunes, more suffering or perhaps something in our life that is missing - because we did not plant the seed earlier, therefore we wouldn't yield the tree. Also, if we did plant the seed, the tree we grow depends on how good the quality of that seed is, what kinda breed etc.. That makes sense! No wonder so many people (inc. me) in our lives, feel that we don't have this or that, or missing something in our lives at one point or another.. It's truly a cycle. I don't claim that I truly know how karma functions in detail, but appreciating the basic understanding, I really do see that, living in this world, we really don't have to worry too much about issues such as WG and parents, since every action has its own consequences and challenges provide us with the opportunity to make something better (or worst) for ourselves.

Moderation

I still remember a quote from Readers Digest, probably a decade back "High expectations is key to success, Moderation is key to EVERYTHING' ... I always ponder about this and attempts to apply the truthness of it in daily life. Along the way of course I wonder why was 'Moderation' one of the first most important sayings of the Buddha .. It is so-so-so-so true.... In almost any dilemma I have encountered or others have asked me about, the answer lies in just one work 'moderation'.... Though, even myself, when faced with challenges and dilemmma in life, may not always think of 'moderation' as the answer, but as it turns out .. that is the key... if only we make use of it more often.

It's Your Call

One of those days waking up wee hrs, blogging at 2.42am. Was rather exhausted yesterday and slept Analina 'time' .. Pondering and pondering a little about yesterday's thoughts - yeah wasn't supposed to be like this because I need to shut down my system in order to be healthier at heart! Anyways, the story goes on ... talking is good. Talking over your thoughts and then pondering over it is good. SIL and I were exchanging notes about WG, mainly about how to improve communications between WG and Mom/Dad. In between, there were of course statement of facts; how much WG loves Mom/Dad, except just different ways from others. Thinking left and right, right and left, still not seeing the 'ways' it was being done, but at the same time belief that, yes, there's still alot of love. How can one not love their parents? But then, one can love less or love more over time right? Still, at the end of the day I was telling MICH, its OK for me .. I have over the years learned that we don't have to worry too much about how others live their lives because at the end of the day, it's their call, their own call. After all, we are responsible for our own actions.. And, not wanting to be too extreme i.e. self-centric in this thinking, I also usually give suggestions and ideas of how one can improve things (realizing I am not perfect either, need others to tell me too in areas I don't fair well) .. and if he or she, in this case WG doesn't want to accept the ideas, put them in action and wants to stay the way things are and feels thats the way it should go, I am OK too. I don't want to isolate from my own brother (reminding myself life is indeed about community, not just me and the pple I choose to live with) and yet I do want to keep hope, to see things improve around him - not just by saying that but by doing something about it (actions, efforts). However, decision time (cause) would be in his hands, and consequences (effect) wise he will have to bear the positive or negative accordingly. I guess, truly, we don't have to worry too much as nature will take its own course.. and that means, same goes with anyone's life, inc. my life ...

Be Happier At Work

I love reading Buddhism's way of life, always something interesting. Here's what I came across today..

Buddhism itself cannot do anything about the nature of one's job. Earning a living is for many a necessity and a matter of getting what one can. Nor can Buddhism do very much about the colleagues we work with. What Buddhism can help with is the attitude to work that we have.
Firstly, whatever problems we encounter with regard to our work, what we should remember is that most work - no matter how mundane - is a form of service. We give of our time and our energy for the benefit of others In this sense, work has a real value above and beyond earning a dollar. And even the financial aspect has benefits. The money we earn we share with others, family and friends for example.
Secondly, work demands things from us. In working with others, there are opportunities to develop valuable qualities such as patience, tolerance, empathy, and endurance. It also provides opportunities to help and support others, such as employees, colleagues and employers both in direct and indirect ways.

Ultimately, work is good and brings benefits to ourselves and others. This doesn't mean we should not try to look for fulfillment elsewhere if better job opportunities come along but we need to constantly remind ourselves of the inherent value of the work we currently do.

Source: About.com - Buddism at Work

Pray For Her To Have Peace

So, I was asked about how I am doing, and I felt in general, OK - moving on, except perhaps wished things would be a little better for Granny. Alot had been discussed about how to deal with this and many options have been considered based on the resources and contraints I have right now. But of course, never updated everyone on those detailed discussion. Anyway, just casually and in summary mentioned that me moving back will be at the expense of Analina and hubby (since they will be seperated, and I will be seperated with hubby also, or either me and Analina will be seperated) and he said 'these are the justifications why your Granny is at the old folks'.. of course we went on discussing amoung other things to fill in the gaps. I remember only recently before I decided to start a fresh in Guam and stick by my little family here (Nov, 2004) there were much discussion about this, I try to seek advise from all over. From a broader perspective, the move of moving back so Granny can have a place to stay with me (despite the fact she always argue and scold me - I put all those aside) seems at the expense of many things. Not that I dont want to sacrifice all those things, but if I did that, I may be generous to Granny and very selfish to many others whom I owe alot too. Reality is, I have financial commitment to my parents and I wish to help them out, not leave them stranded financially and to sustain all that, plus moving back means I need to get a maid, another house and baby sitter or daycare (since my parents dont allow Granny to stay with them) .. I don't even think a job with that sort of income exist for me. I don't want to impose financial burden to hubby also and even if he took care of Analina's part (which I wish I can also help) it's still alot of monthly commitment to pay - and that's just basic monthly repayment for parents and granny. I guess, I can also assume, perhaps there's a way to resolve the money part, and then there's the non-monetary part where Analina and Dady will be seperated. I remember, the main reason why I chose to start a fresh in Guam was because I didn't want them to have 'lost times' which money cannot recover.. I know I can find alot of joy in PJ and KL esp. with family and friends despite whatever financial challenge, even good food, but for all that, I think Daddy will suffer in silence.. Perhaps if I really did that, he would eventually be supportive too, and make himself go back to KL, but I know that's not his career aim.. so I really don't want to force the situation on him that way, if possible. Then, what if I stayed with my little family and maximize my holiday stay in KL and PJ - but that means I don't work or have a business (which I don't have that sort of money to start any in KL) and it doens't make sense, where do I get the money for frequent flying and how about money to help my parents out .. I guess, this is even more illogical. I certainly don't want to impose all these on hubby. As it is, he is already trying his best to provide the best for all 3 of us.. Although I also really didn't want to succumb to 'no job cannot survive' situation thats why for the last 3 years, I have successfully minimized personal expenses - even shoes, make-up, clothes, everything fight against luxury or extras. But eventhough I can overcome all that, basic expenses for my family here and back home is still a 'four figure' .. Now that I am talking about this again, it becomes clearer to me that it's a tough call .. I almost forgot about all the deep thoughts put through this, and thought through very thoroughly already .. only today to be faced with a comment that, my justifications is a reason why my Granny is at old folks.. I guess I was shaken feeling that, wow - Fi, you're so ignorant, you could do something but you're not doing anything .. just one of those challenges in life. When others pass a comment, and a strong comment now knowing the complete story (which I don't blame others), it's just inevitable that the guilt is showered on upon you, and I do feel it. But I really need to freshen up my thinking and believe in myself more, and keep finding solutions and tell myself to do my best given the circumstances around me. Mean time, pray for Granny...

Consistency Check

Today I came across this blog: Mind Vistas and this was what I meant about trying not to hold back, that is, as mentioned in the blog to "reduce the gaps with our potrayals... and only when there's less conflict within ourselves can we achieve happiness' .. :)

Independant Relationships

So, yeah I have been fighting against the same negative feelings towards WG many years back - the time when distance exist with between him and Mom and Dad. Since about 3 years ago, I overcame it and try to maintain positiveness by focusing on treating relationships independant of another. Before that, I just couldn't understand and didn't have a solution to what's happening, and could not accept the fact why WG was not with us to go through hardship after which Mom and Dad had to sell their home facing financial crisis. I also could not understand why I was surprising loaded with financial commitment on a single bungalow house which is so far away from PJ because I rather get one in PJ or KL so we can all live under the same roof inc. my Granny. Even that, I was asked to chose between Granny or Mom and Dad, gosh. Finally, after being all by myself in Hong Kong, for some reasons, I see the light and started to forgive and forget .. even forgive myself for whatever that has gone wrong. From then on, the same way I maintain positiveness (and fight the negativeness) with Mom and Dad despite the way they have abandoned Granny since .. I also use the same concept to maintain positiveness (and fight the negativeness) with WG and family despite the fact that I think WG should visit Mom and Dad more, call them sometimes, take them out lunch or dinner, ask them about their health, give them some money ... But I need to adopt a new way of looking at things so I can see them in a different light, and so that I can establish and nurture a fresh and growing relationship with WG and family just the way I am doing with my parents.... I really want to try my best to stick to this way of thinking so that I don't built up resentment, anger and sadness within myself and then having to isolate myself from family .. just because I think they should try to treat other family members better. I am sure they all have their merits in the things that they have done or are doing but caring for Mom and Dad i.e. parents, seems very important to me, and therefore if I don't deal with my emotions correctly, I know it will take me to rocky roads. Ideally of course, we should all treat each other well, and its fairly easy, I see it alot with other family members and even hubby's family, but I guess, if we don't have the ideals, we should try to make a second best ideal and stay away from disasterous relationships .... still, sometimes its not so easy to fight the feeling because its only natural in human beings that we only want to be nice if they had been nice to us or our family, or we choose not to be nice to them because they haven't been nice to us or our family .. I do want to go beyond that .. so I'll keep trying ... 1. Treat my parents well irregardless, 2. Treat my bro, his family & Granny well irregardless .. Then, I also need to make sure treat my relatives and friends well irregardless, when I can do all these well, I also want to make sure I treat all other human beings well irregardless.. gosh, ambitious, but at least a plan to work on rather than taking things for granted and never improve!

Always Check On Your Parents

I asked Dad if WG called to wish him happy birthday and whatabout dinner out together. Dad said he is happy that WG called though WG was feeling sick. As parents yeah, they will always console themself and try to look at brighter side of things .. I wonder if recent events or past events affected the way WG thought about Mom and Dad, hence isolating himself from them .. for whatever reason it is, it is of course very obvious that they are not seeing each other like typical parents-son relationship. Infact, even people who stay oceans apart call home to ask about Mom and Dad, whatmore if staying in the same country, in the same state. I did ask SIL and she mentioned about perhaps distance. I guess different people have different ways of seeing things - I can accept that, as long as they have no regrets if tmr never comes. If they do, I guess I will still have to accept it either, after all, I can't control their lives. But, sometimes I still ponder, even if driving 40mins is a problem, perhaps still visit them - how about once a month? I think that's OK for 2 elderly who have brought us up. How hard is that? What cost would that be on us? What burden it is on us compared to the burden they have endured..? I think its a piece of cake .. but I guess, as usual, what I tink I cannot impose on others.. If not, how about twice a month? Otherwise, how about once a quarter? If not mistaken WG and family doesn't visit Mom and Dad for visits, unless sometimes special occasion. Well, if distance is such a problem, how about a phone call a week? If that's too much, how about a phone call a month? If not, a phone call in 2 months? I have plenty of ideas but these are such basic effort .. I hope things will lighten up for WG whatever the reason may be causing the invisible barrier that exist now..

Those Extra Purchase

You see, you see ... I really didn't want to purchase a camcorder since no budget! Infact, since 2 years ago, KC said the one we are using is super old - doesnt even shape like a camcorder but I told myself, lets us it since it can still record videos... until recently, it finally broke! I kinda dropped it actually, and after that, though broken, we could still use it. Now, it's totally full with distortion ... then I was thinking, well, we can wait? So wait a little .. but Analina's 2nd birthday next month! Cannot miss huh? Need to look for extra part-time hours ... don't know how much this is going to cost!

Lisa's Birthday

Another late card! But I mailed it last week, its on its way! Am truly grateful to have SIL in my life.. and we're starting to communicate very well despite alot of misunderstanding many many years ago ... but that's of course buried underground already! She's been very supportive about my life here and my little family. It's a true blessing to have her around. Hope to spend more time together in future.

Consistency Check

One of the reasons why I post my thoughts and if possible not hold back anything is so I can check with my own thoughts as time goes by.. to try to be more consistent with the values I want to instill and improve on ... You know, sometimes when we get emotional or upset about certain things, our thoughts are really narrowed and clouded by the negatives. Writing it down helps me to read about my own feelings later on, and hope in times to come, to improve on those feelings, change it to be more positive ... during which when the event occurs ...

Progress in Life

So! Any progress in my life so far? Well, I won't say spectacular but generally, what I can remember, I am a better person today then before! Okay, still *many areas* for improvements, I really need to pen down the items one by one! But, yeah .. overall ... I noticed I can deal with work problems a whole lot better.. even issues at home and with friends (minimum I would say) - though there are of course some roller coster ride on and off, but big picture wise, I think I am OK. Any complains about life, how life treating me, how I am treating life? Hmmm, don't really think there's much negative comments ... Although still no savings, earning but all the time there's alot of unexpected and expected expenses for my little family and my parents, but I guess I am not looking for a perfect life, what is anyway!? And, even if I do get unhappy sometimes, but after a few short seconds, I would smell sweetness in life more than bitterness.. I guess, just want to appreciate what's around and knowing that there's much more suffering out there ... :) And, usually .. if I just wait a little - maybe give it a few more days, or a few more weeks .. or in some cases, give it a year!? (definitely have more patience - which I have a lot more these days) then things would turn our looking better and I'd say, I am usually expecting a good change with whatever turn of events happening! I am looking forward for an earlier retirement though! But retirement doesnt mean not work or keep the muscles stretching .. so, still practicing minimalistic living - which I have been doing rather well ever since in Guam- didn't spend much on myself except for the family and not swiping credit card if unnecessary hehe .. At least, maintain less debt (except unavoidable debt!), although still not getting rich, ha!