Pray For Her To Have Peace

So, I was asked about how I am doing, and I felt in general, OK - moving on, except perhaps wished things would be a little better for Granny. Alot had been discussed about how to deal with this and many options have been considered based on the resources and contraints I have right now. But of course, never updated everyone on those detailed discussion. Anyway, just casually and in summary mentioned that me moving back will be at the expense of Analina and hubby (since they will be seperated, and I will be seperated with hubby also, or either me and Analina will be seperated) and he said 'these are the justifications why your Granny is at the old folks'.. of course we went on discussing amoung other things to fill in the gaps. I remember only recently before I decided to start a fresh in Guam and stick by my little family here (Nov, 2004) there were much discussion about this, I try to seek advise from all over. From a broader perspective, the move of moving back so Granny can have a place to stay with me (despite the fact she always argue and scold me - I put all those aside) seems at the expense of many things. Not that I dont want to sacrifice all those things, but if I did that, I may be generous to Granny and very selfish to many others whom I owe alot too. Reality is, I have financial commitment to my parents and I wish to help them out, not leave them stranded financially and to sustain all that, plus moving back means I need to get a maid, another house and baby sitter or daycare (since my parents dont allow Granny to stay with them) .. I don't even think a job with that sort of income exist for me. I don't want to impose financial burden to hubby also and even if he took care of Analina's part (which I wish I can also help) it's still alot of monthly commitment to pay - and that's just basic monthly repayment for parents and granny. I guess, I can also assume, perhaps there's a way to resolve the money part, and then there's the non-monetary part where Analina and Dady will be seperated. I remember, the main reason why I chose to start a fresh in Guam was because I didn't want them to have 'lost times' which money cannot recover.. I know I can find alot of joy in PJ and KL esp. with family and friends despite whatever financial challenge, even good food, but for all that, I think Daddy will suffer in silence.. Perhaps if I really did that, he would eventually be supportive too, and make himself go back to KL, but I know that's not his career aim.. so I really don't want to force the situation on him that way, if possible. Then, what if I stayed with my little family and maximize my holiday stay in KL and PJ - but that means I don't work or have a business (which I don't have that sort of money to start any in KL) and it doens't make sense, where do I get the money for frequent flying and how about money to help my parents out .. I guess, this is even more illogical. I certainly don't want to impose all these on hubby. As it is, he is already trying his best to provide the best for all 3 of us.. Although I also really didn't want to succumb to 'no job cannot survive' situation thats why for the last 3 years, I have successfully minimized personal expenses - even shoes, make-up, clothes, everything fight against luxury or extras. But eventhough I can overcome all that, basic expenses for my family here and back home is still a 'four figure' .. Now that I am talking about this again, it becomes clearer to me that it's a tough call .. I almost forgot about all the deep thoughts put through this, and thought through very thoroughly already .. only today to be faced with a comment that, my justifications is a reason why my Granny is at old folks.. I guess I was shaken feeling that, wow - Fi, you're so ignorant, you could do something but you're not doing anything .. just one of those challenges in life. When others pass a comment, and a strong comment now knowing the complete story (which I don't blame others), it's just inevitable that the guilt is showered on upon you, and I do feel it. But I really need to freshen up my thinking and believe in myself more, and keep finding solutions and tell myself to do my best given the circumstances around me. Mean time, pray for Granny...